1. Deluxe Lube Delivery

Got a late night sensual Sahara situation? Ditch the olive oil and hit MaxDelivery for your emergency KY delivery.

Like dot.com flame out Kozmo.com, MaxDelivery offers day delivery on anything from DVDs to, er, lube.

Alas, the new service only covers downtown Manhattan, depriving millions of Americans the novelty of sending offensive orders to friends and enemies

Dear MaxDelivery: please scrap that order for a KY family pack, an organic cucumber and a "Single White Shemale" DVD.

Question: how much do you tip your KY guy to keep his mouth shut?

2. Girls! Girls! Girls!

In Sin City, billboards promise hookers 'entertainers' to your room in 30 minutes flat.  That said, it’s hard to imagine the Better Business Bureau gets too many complaints if the knocking shops don’t deliver on time…

To clarify: we're talking the kind of entertainer that has sex for cash, not Frankie, Deano and the boys.

Remember: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Along with your dignity and the swabs at the STD clinic.

3. Dope Demand

It's 3am and you're fresh out of *cough* jazz cigarettes. Not a problem in the Big Apple, where door-to-door dope delivery is now big business.

One dope delivery outfit, dubbed the Cartoon Network, was busted in late 2005. High Times magazine reported – apparently without irony – that the  Network's punters were ‘bummed’ to find their same day delivery service out of business.

Since we have no contacts in the shadowy narcotic underworld, we asked the real Cartoon Network to comment. They were too busy slapping five with SpongeBob Squarepants to respond.

Remember: Don’t drink the bong water.

4. Printed Matter Pronto

Hitler burned books. Barnes & Noble burn rubber to deliver books. Coincidence - or conspiracy?

My book buying is rarely a Def Con One situation. I'm happy to wait two to three days for Amazon's Oompa-Loompas to deliver my books at a heavy mark down.

Barnes & Noble in Manhattan – notice a theme here, dear reader? – offer same day delivery books. Take a moment and try to think of, I dunno, *two* scenarios when you might use this service.

Still thinking?

Emergency meds, food, booze? Hell, yeah. Emergency full price books? Not so much.

5. Turbo Booze Runs

New York's  Anytime is a delivery service for alcohol. Or alcoholics, depending on how you look at it.

They do booze runs so you don't have to. So you don't have to take stock of your hollow husk of a life, that is.

Tapping booze hounds for money seems like a risky business to be in. How many delivery drivers get beaten up, molested or bullied into singing Christina Aguilera karaoke until daybreak?

Remember: The first step is admitting you have a problem (beyond late delivery).

6. Late Night Munchies

Insomnia Cookies deliver baked goods to your door in 45 minutes or less, if you live near one of their East Coast campus locations.

We don't know too many squeeky-clean professionals who require late night cookies. Unless some of their customers are...

Nope. Never mind. No stoner would ever wait 45 minutes for emergency cookies.

7. Meals on (Cheese) Wheels

Do you feel the need? The need for cheese? By rickshaw?

[tumbleweed blows...]

Funny, me neither. Ignoring our lack of enthusiasm, Manhattan fromagerie Artisanal have launched a same day delivery service.

Blow $50 on posh cheese and they'll deliver to your workplace, where an ounce of Stinking Bishop can make the office refrigerator smell like a mortuary.

As if workplace cheese delivery is not bizarre enough, Artisanal believe that third world transportation is the best way to deliver it.

WTF, America?

8. Flowers Without Feeling

What is wrong with same day delivery flowers, you ask?

Simple. It encourages fecklessness and indolence, and your loved ones deserve better. I think it's time you took a long, hard look in the mirror. End of story.

Damn you, Interflora!

What – you were expecting a joke or something? Nothing to see here.

9. Viva Viagra

So you hooked the hot cougars-next-door, huh? Shame Mr Floppy is visiting...

"Classified ads community" (read: pickup joint) Craigslist regularly features ads offering same day delivery Viagra within – you guessed it – New York City. Even boring old Staten Island!

No sign-off by an MD (Dr Feelgood doesn't count), no idea if it’s the real deal plus the sheer embarrassment factor.

Just make an apointment with your physician and spin some whacko tale about work stress, already. How hard can it be? Sorry...